Roles of a Father

 Me and My Dad

Being a daddy's girl, a father is someone who I can ask for anything for. My simple mind back then would tell me that if I need anything, all I have to do is to ask my dad for it. For me at that time, the most dominant role that my dad plays is the role of the providing father. And if you'd ask everyone, that would be the first one that would pop out  of everyone's mind. It's not a shock since that's the traditional role of fathers. But this is not the case today. According to American Psychological Association, the role and status of the fathers around the world now are more complicated than being just a father.

According to the said association, there are different kinds of fathers today. There are the non-residential fathers, divorced, step fathers, gay fathers and stay-at-home fathers. These different kinds of fathers crop out because of different factors. One of the said factors is women empowerment. But this is not to say that women empowerment is something bad. On the other hand, this brought about positive changes in the society. But everything has its good and bad products and this may be considered as one of those bad products. Another factor which lead to the sprouting of the different kinds of fathers is the usual tendency of the fathers to be distant to their families. With that being said, it doesn't matter if it is hard for the fathers to have time with their children. They should try as much as possible to be always visible.



In the past, fathers are known to be the breadwinners and mothers would usually stay at home but this is not the case today. More mothers now are working and there are also some fathers now who stay at home. This change is brought about by different factors. One factor which lead to this shifting is women empowerment. With the society's equal treatment to both sexes, women are able to explore more opportunities that are out there for them. Another factor is the existence of marriage related laws which are annulment and divorce.



All my life, I've always thought the mothers have the upper hand in terms of importance in raising a kid. People would normally say that it is better for the mother to be left behind and that all the kids need from their fathers is the father figure and discipline which can also be given by mothers. But this is really not the case. Losing my own father at the age of 13 also has its ups and downs. The good thing about my dad is that before he died, he never faltered to show us his love, respect and support in all the positive aspects in our life. This may have been the reason why we aren't really lacking when it comes to social, emotional and cognitive aspects. The downside however aside from the financial instability is my own sense of place in the world. In all honesty, I may not be lacking in terms of the other aspects but when it comes with my own place in this world, I get confused as hell. Asking me the question "What do you really want to do?" would get me crawling somewhere to hide just to avoid answering that question. That is one thing that I would want to get over with. The real question is, how?





I got to know a lot of these things because of the lecture of Noel Tan at Greenbelt last January 8, 2012 along with the movie I watched entitled Courageous the next day after the lecture. I never even expected that the movie was related to the lecture I attended the other day but maybe this is God's sign of telling me to move forward and to not be afraid to know my place in the world.



DISCLAIMER: I do not own the photos that can be found in this blog.

Hope: Stupidity or Motivation?

Hope. It was a windy afternoon and we had nothing to do but to stay at Gammy’s place and stare at the river right in front of the apartment. While blowing on our cigars to let the time pass, a fisherman boat passed by.  Suddenly, Job asked me. “Why does this fisherman still try to fish in a river known to have no fishes anymore?” 

I answered. “Maybe that’s hope.”

Going back to that specific moment, I realized how stupid hope really is and how it can be so misleading.

Hope. Sometimes I find it so cliché to cling to something called hope. Hope gives people fake assurances. If you are lucky enough in hoping for something, then it may happen. But most of the time at the end of the day, people become disappointed with hoping for something that will never happen. This is the reason why I sometimes doubt how important hope can be as it is often described and portrayed in books and movies. Maybe hope is there to spice up the story and attract hopeless people. Maybe hope is emphasized to give people something to fantasize on and to believe to. Maybe hope is there to simply hope and nothing else.

Indeed I view hope as something as miserable as this sometimes, but there are also times when I can’t help but believe in it mainly because some people live with and in hope and that’s what’s keeping them moving forward. And one of these times is when Job and I went to the church to pray.

I am not a pious and religious worshipper. I can’t even consider myself to be a faithful catholic. But I have to admit that I attend masses because it makes me feel good and I also believe in God which may be the reason of the comfort that I often feel when I attend mass.

It was around 6 in the evening when we decided to visit the church. We went to Cathedral first and prayed there and proceeded to San Francisco Church to light up some candles. We bought our candles from a crippled guy. He handed us the candles and smiled as if problems are nonexistent in this world. After that, we lighted up our candles and saw a kid with filthy clothes staring at the burning candles. He was doing nothing, just staring. I may be selfish to say this but it was one of the moments when I realized how lucky I was. How can these people go on with their lives smiling when they know that the next morning, they may not be able to eat a proper breakfast or may not even eat anything for breakfast at all? After that, all that I can say to myself is that: “Maybe that’s hope.”

It’s too ironic for me to be claiming that hope is a ridiculous thing when every time I encounter moments such as these, I just can’t help but say “Maybe that’s hope”. Maybe the truth is that too much hope does become stupidity yet lack of hope leads to misery and wretchedness. And that’s why there are chosen moments of “maybe that’s really hope.”

Growing Old Together

Ang kasunod ng Bumpy Ride.

Growing Old Together

            Pagbaba ko ng tren pagkatapos ng bumpy ride eh sumakay ako ng traysikel. Bumaba ako sa Mcdo para maglakad sa harap ng Emall. Dun kasi ako magaantay ng padyak para sakyan pauwi. Habang naglalakad ako, may nakita akong dalawang matanda ng magka-holding hands. Napatigil ako. Literal na huminto ako para titigan sila. Buti na lang nakatalikod sila kundi baka napagkamalan na akong may sira.

            Napatigil ako hindi sa dahil nandidiri ako. Natigilan ako kasi kahit parati ko nang nababasa na sweet makakita ng mga matatandang naghoholding hands at sweet pa rin sa ngayon, iba pala pag ikaw na talaga ang nakakita. Nagovertake ako sa kanila para lang makita sila. Hindi naman silang ganun ka-sweet na parang nagyayakapan na. Kung tutuosin, parang magkadikit lang talaga ang mga kamay nila, magkahawak lang ng mahinay. Pero kung titingnan mo ang mga mukha nila, satisfied sila. Makikita mo na masaya silang dalawa at kontento sila. Napuno ako bigla ng inggit. Tatanda rin kaya ako ng may kasama na ganun? Hindi naman kasi madali maghanap ng taong makakasama at ngayon alam ko naman na hindi pa ako handa at hindi pa rin naman ako naghahanap ng ganun. Ngunit ang problema, iniisip ko pa lang ang posibilidad na tumanda kasama ang isang tao, natatakot na ako.

            Panu mo ba malalaman kung siya na talaga? Panu ka makakahanap ng isang tao na hindi ka bibitawan hanggang sa huli? Panu ka makakasiguro na hindi ka lang niya lolokohin? Ang daming katanungan at kahit isa wala akong maisagot. Siguro swerte lang sila kasi nahanap nila ang isa’t isa. Parang ang mama at papa ko. Swerte kasi mahal nila ang isa’t isa. Pero nung naisip ko yun, ang biglang pumasok sa isip ko ay ang sitwasyon ni mama. Oo nga’t mahal niya si papa at mahal siya nito pero iniwan rin naman siya sa hindi inaasahang sitwasyon at sa hindi malabanan na kalaban- Aneurysm. Ayoko kasi na magmahal ng katulad ng mama ko at maiiwan rin naman sa huli. Bakit pa kailangan maghanap ng makakasama habang buhay na kung at the end of the day, kung mamamatay ka ay mag-isa ka rin naman lang at kung mamamatay yun mahal mo ay parang namatay ka na rin. Dobleng kamatayan lang ang mararanasan at ayaw kong maranasan yun.  

            Bakit ganun? Bakit kailangan na magkaroon ng pwedeng makasama pero mawawala rin? Bakit ang saya-saya nung dalawang matanda na nakita ko kahit alam nila na palapit na ang oras na maghihiwalay rin naman sila? Hindi ko maintindihan. At kahit alam ko na may kasagutan ako sa mga tanong ko, hindi ko kayang sabihin. Hindi rin naman kasi ako naniniwala sa mga sagot na nasa isip ko. Kaya anu pa ba ang sense kung sasagot ako?

The Bumpy Ride

Susubukan kong magtagalog for the sake of speaking tagalog na rin and para sa aking kaibigan na si Istrayps. Ingles na rin naman ako ng Ingles from the very start ng blog ko. Panahon na rin naman siguro ng pagbabago.

The Bumpy Ride

            Nung nakaraang Sabado ng hapon, pumunta ako sa Libmanan para lumanghap ng sariwang hangin at para na rin lumayo sa mga nagpapabigat sa akin. Ang byahe papunta dun ay usual lang. Walang kung anu mang nangyari na tumatak sa isip ko. Ngunit nung pauwi na ako ng sumunod na umaga, dun na ako nakarealize ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi ko naman talaga naiisip.

            Nagsimula ang lahat ng tinanong ko ang sarili ko “Bakit ba tuluyan kong binabaon ang sarili ko pailalim?” Sa totoo lang, ang hindi alam ng mga tao (pamilya at kaibigan ko), napakahina ko ngayon. Sinusubukan ko maging matatag para sa kanila. Sinusubukan kong ngumiti para na rin hindi na makadagdag pa sa problema. Ako rin ang nagmomotivate at parating positibo sa lahat ng bagay. Pero pag mag-isa na lang ako, nawawala lahat ng lakas at pagkapositibo ko. Sino nga naman ang kailangan ko pang i-motivate pag magisa na lang ako? Nakakapagod na rin naman. Since si Manoy Jess na rin lang naman ang kasama ko pag mag-isa ako, hindi ko na kailangan umarte na malakas ako at walang problema. Hindi ko na kailangan maging pillar ng pamilya at maging isang barkadang “happy-go-lucky”. Hindi ko na rin naman kailangan pang magkunwari kung Siya lang ang kasama ko.

           

Bakit ko nasabing binabaon ko ang sarili ko? Kasi instead na mabawasan ang mga problema ko, nadadagdagan. Siguro kasi tinatawanan ko na lang ang lahat at wala naman talaga akong ginagawa para masolusyunan lahat ng mga problema. Sa tuwing sinusubukan kong humakbang ng isang step, hinihila ko parati ang sarili ko ng dalawang hakbang pabalik. Nakakapagod. Pero ako rin naman ang may kasalanan ng lahat at kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Panu ko sisimulan ang pagbabago? Panu ko gagapang paabante kung sa tuwing nariyan ang pamilya ko ay pilit akong tumatayo para lang hindi sila mawalan ng pag-asa. Ang dami kong iniisip. Siguro kasi pauwi nanaman ako sa Naga. Kailangan nanaman harapin ang mga problema at umarteng malakas sa harap nila. Siguro kasi paalis na ako sa safe-haven ko. Yun tipong wala akong iniisip kundi ang gumising kinabukasan para lumanghap ng sariwang hangin. Pabalik na ako sa totoong mundo ko.

            On the way, bigla na lang naging bumpy ang byahe. Literal na tumatalon ang tren at and mga taong nakasakay dito. Kahit napaka-awkward, nagenjoy ako. Bumalik ako sa pagkabata nung mga panahon na kahit kalong ako ng papa ko sa jeep at umuuga yung jeep ay nageenjoy ako. Ang saya, parang nawala ang mga negatibong bagay na naiisip ko. Habang tumatalon yun tren ay tumingin ako sa mga taong kaharap at katabi ko. Hindi lang pala ako yung nageenjoy. Sila rin pala. At sa mga oras na yun, naisip ko. Bakit kahit napaka-awkward tumalon ay nageenjoy ang lahat? Bakit kahit nahihirapan silang kumapit sa mga upuan nila ay parang ang saya pa rin nila? Naisip ko, parang buhay rin nga lang. Along the way, ang daming bumpy at rough road na dadaanan. Kahit hindi smooth ay masaya pa rin yun buhay. Yun tipong nakakachallenge kung panu ka kakapit sa silya mo at kung panu ka sasabay sa pag-uga sa buong byahe ng buhay. Hindi naman kasi talaga patag parati ang dadaanan. And daming mga small bumps, rough road at kung anu-ano pang dadaanan na mapapakapit ka sa iyong upuan.

            Pagkatapos ko yun maisip, tinanong ko ang sarili ko. “Bakit nga ba hindi ko ienjoy ang sariling byahe ng buhay ko?” Bat ba kailangan kong maging malakas parati? Bat ba kailangan kong magkunwari? Kung maiinis ba ako sa pag-uga sa biyahe na to, anu ba mapapala ko? Bat kailangan kong pilitin ang sarili ko na huwag tumalon kasabay ng tren kung kaya ko naman itong sabayan? Hindi naman talaga kasi kailangan. Pinahihirapan ko lang ang sarili ko. Pagkatapos ng lahat saka ko lang naisip na tama na. Hindi ko kailangan ang mga iyon. Sapat na. Sasabay na lang ako sa bawat pag-uga ng tren at magiging masaya sa bawat pagtalon sa buong byahe. Kasi kahit bumpy man and ride, makararating pa rin naman ako sa pupuntahan ko.

The Original Heirloom Cups

Heirloom

The day started the same way my every day of my life starts. I’d wake up, wash my face and go out of my room to say good morning to everyone. It was a windy/rainy day. It was a refreshing day especially in a tropical country like the Philippines. But what made this day special is not the windy and refreshing weather that greeted me when I woke up. What made it special is the fact that my mom and I sat down and shared some stories with a cup of coffee. It started out with simple stories of how my grama took care of her things so well that until now her precious cups which are century old are still intact and could still serve their purpose. She even described how she talked my grama into giving her the precious cups mainly because she’s the only daughter who married from the family. It was a refreshing time for the both of us. But what really sealed the deal of happiness for this day is the fact that after telling her story, she told me:

“You’ll be the one to keep those cups so you better take care of them.”

I was speechless at first. It was the way she said it that makes it seem like a simple thing when actually it was something that overwhelmed me. Yes, I didn’t show how happy I was when she said that but deep inside, I was brimming with pride. Hey, she said that they were her favorite cups and that she did convinced grama to give them to her. She even told me that if grama would not give them, she’d probably sneak them out of the kitchen closet. This means that she treasures the cups so much. And this also means that I’ll be taking care of something that she treasures that much.

I feel important and loved. I know that I love my mom as much but having those cups in my possession would forever bring me pride and love. I’d be taking care of the century old cups and I hope to also pass them down to the next generation in the family. It felt like something important like a family heirloom was just passed down to me. I can never be thankful enough and I can even still feel the happiness from having those cups- maybe not now but in the future.

I don't want to be alone.

I’m scared. I’m scared of the many responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I’m feeling like I am Raju from the 3 idiots with how I am acting. Fear is seeping through me making me feel immobilize. Uncertainties are coming in and out of my mind. Helplessness is making itself known in my life.

It’s not like I’m a pessimistic person. On the contrary, I’m brimming with positivity that sometimes I feel like I’m already faking it. Maybe that’s the big disadvantage of being optimistic. When the time comes that all the suppression of the negative auras and vibes explodes, optimistic people will simply be rendered immobilized and powerless. When that one moment when an optimistic person puts his guard down and welcome the negative thoughts it is sure that more damages will be made than when having those negative thoughts once in a while.

I’ve always been optimistic. Well, I try to always be one despite any situation. But maybe I also have the right to be scared for all the negative things that will happen. Maybe it’s not a bad thing to feel powerless and helpless. Maybe it’s free to be uncertain for some things and be doubtful of some circumstances. Maybe it’s okay to be pessimistic to balance out everything.