A Moment of Sanity

Looking at his picture made my heart skip a beat. No, I will not let this happen. I would never act on it and I would never try to do something to change what we have now- this is what I keep telling myself. I can’t afford to lose him. Damn I miss him and I long to be with him but I can’t. I can’t let myself jeopardize what we have and what we took care of for almost nine year. No. I’d never let myself ruin the best friendship I could ever have and the best relationship that could exist between both of us.

I rejected him in the past. I did. I tried to neglect the tugging in my heart and I succeed. Now, the tugging is back again. It’s not as if I wanted to do this. All I wanted is to be with him and be his friend. But why am I not satisfied? Why am I doubtful and why am I crave for more? Even writing this blog makes my heart beat faster than normal. It is not because of what he is now; I know that I’ve always admired him for what he is. I’m stupid and I know it. The distance made me realize how important he is to me. Maybe like Deanne, I’m just over-thinking things but why does it seems like I do not believe that theory? Since I am feeling this pain, I guess it really is real. I love him and I can’t deny it any longer. 

“Distance makes the love grow fonder.”

A cliche. It’s surprising how this simply statement means with how I really feel right now. In the past, I would usually tell my friends that long-distance relationship is no-no for me. Maybe primarily because I believe that the affection and love will be lost across the distance and time. That’s what I keep telling myself until I finally felt otherwise.

We’re not together. We were never together romantically for he was my best friend. From the very start, we both know that we will never cross the line of being best friends. That’s impossible and that’s the promise both of us made in the past. He held to that promise till the very end and I did the same. But how can I still hold on to that promise when I feel like forgetting it in the first place?

Yes, I fell in love with him. I’ve loved him for years now and I know that it’ll never work out- or not. Maybe I just assume that it’ll never work and will in the end destroy the both of us. This is why I’m still holding on to that promise desperately. I’m hanging onto it as if it’s a part of my existence, as if it’s the only thread that connects the both of us.

Now that he’s miles away, the longing intensified. Distance was and will never really be the reason for one’s love to diminish. Maybe distance can make one forget but it’ll never make love vanish. It’s existing and currently, it’s making me feel miserable. He’s so far away yet I yearn to be with him everyday, to laugh with his jokes and tease him about something trivial. I long to be where he is now and hopefully, he feels the same way.

I may feel this way but I know deep inside that things will never work out anyway. He’s my best friend and that he’ll forever be. He’s the one I love, and that I’ll forever secretly bury. 

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”- James Joyce

Discovery. If there is one thing that I am sure of myself, it is that I am a very curious person. I experiment and try out things for the main objective of knowing and discovering something out of it. And through my discoveries, I know that there were many bad things that came with it. There were many decisions which I regret ever making. There were situations that I want to forget. Along with discovery comes the heavy price of a pack of mistakes and errors.

Am I simply rationalizing my mistakes in the effort of saving my face from further disgrace? Maybe, I ought to consider that. But in the long run, it seems that I gained more from my mistakes in my discoveries. I may regret some things once in a while but it sure as well made me better and wise in everything that I do now. 

In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't; everything it would be wouldn't; and everything it wasn't, was.

Sprinkles of Life's Best Offers

Contentment. People often say that in this world, contentment is something so absurd and hard to find. Even with a person who has everything there is to ask for, contentment still seems to not pay any heed to that person. I kind of thought that when I experience contentment, it will be when I am already sleeping on gold with my own stable job and family. What I didn’t expect however is that contentment will come knocking on my door when my family is at the lowest portion of our lives together. I experienced contentment when my aunt is in the hospital, when I was unable to attend school, when my mom is buried in debt threatened to be put in prison and when all we have is together. I never thought it would come and I was astounded when it did.

It was a windy Tuesday morning on my way to the hospital with my sister to visit my aunt and buy her medicines when I felt contentment. It was not a life-changing experience to be honest. It was a mere 10-second phenomenon of feeling totally happy of what I have at the very moment. It was the sweetest feeling I ever felt. And ironically, despite all the struggles that my family and I are experiencing, it seems like everything else doesn’t matter. It was a feeling of total gratefulness over the things and the people I truly treasure at that very moment. It was like winning the lottery and feeling like I don’t have to work my ass out. It was like I am the richest person in the world and I don’t have any problem to face. But then the 10 seconds ended, and everything was back to what it really is- the despicable and desperate situation that we are currently in.

With what happened, I wondered if contentment is made of tiny little glimpses of satisfaction that people have in different portions in their lives. I believe that it does not need for you to be filthy rich or to have the perfect family for you to feel contented. In my case, my first little glimpse is in the midst of many struggles. But the real cause of satisfaction which gave birth to that 10-second phenomenon is the fact that I have my family with me all through the struggles. We may be shouldering something heavy yet the fact that many shoulders are helping each other to carry that burden and that I am not alone to do that task made me happier and more contented than a billionaire.

So is there such thing as happily ever after or life of contentment after struggles? I don’t think so. I believe that contentment comes in little packages and are scattered through the different parts of our lives. It’s neither a forever thing nor a long-lasting feeling. It’s a short time phenomenon making you feel appreciative of what you currently have. I guess that actually is the reason why contentment is never for the extremes like riches or power. I think it’s because contentment really comes from being grateful and satisfied with what you have regardless of how small or abundant that might be in the point of view of other people. The fact remains that you are happy and contented with it and that’s what you are so grateful for and gives birth to contentment.

Saglit na Kasiyahan

Labinganim- yan na ang edad ko at yan na rin ang bilang ng mga taon na nandito ako sa bahay ampunan na ito. Minsan, napapagalitan. Minsan naman, pinupuri. Pareho lang naman bawat araw. Pare-pareho lang pati na rin ang pagdating ng mga bisita.

May mga bisita nanaman. “Good morning our dear visitors! It’s nice to see you today.” Walang hiya naman oh! Mas gusto ko pa na pare-pareho na lang araw-araw. At pare-pareho rin lang ang sinasabi pag may dumadating na bisita. Hindi ba pwedeng “Yow! Musta na?” o kaya naman ay “How do you do?” Hindi yun puro na lang ganon. Nakakapagod na rin naman kasi. Parang wala nang nagbago.

Ngingiti ang mga bisita.na parang ang saya-saya nila. Pero ang totoo ay napipilitan sila dahil ito as isang rekwayrment o kaya naman ay para makapagpabango ng pangalan. Mga ngiti. Ngiting landakang ipinapakita nila. Sana ay taos sa puso kahit man lang ang mga ngiti nila. Kahit wag na ang pagtulong. Kahit ngiti na lang.

Iniabot sa akin ang isang piraso ng tinapay at isang baso ng juice. Masarap ng naman. Isa nanaman lang araw ng parang “try me” promo sa isang bakery sa kanto. Nakakabusog nga naman. Pero hanggang kelan to? Bukas? Mamayang gabi? Pakatapos ng dalawang oras? Saglit na pantawid gutom. Saglit na patikim ng kasarapan na bukas ay maaaring wala na. Bukas may maipatitikim pa kaya sila sa akin?

Pinapatayo kami at maglalaro daw. Bagay pa ba ang mga ganitong bagay sa akin? Susmaryosep naman! Dise sais na ako. Pero anu bang ba ang magagawa ko kundi ang pagbigyan sila. Ito ba ang kapalit ng mga tinapay na inabot nila sa akin kanina?

Sasayaw. Bwisit! Mawawala na yata ang aking dignidad. Para saan ba ang pagsayaw na ito? Para pasayahin ang mga pesteng bisitang ito? O para kahit konting minuto ay makalimutan namin ang lungkot? Ang lungkot at pighati ng pagpapabaya at pag-iwan. Sa bawat indak ng katawan, hampas ng mga kamay at sipa ng mga paa, ano nga ba ang gusto naming patunayan? Na ang mga ulila ay may nagagawa rin naman pala kahit konti? Nakakasayaw kami. Hindi kami mga walang kwentang bata. Pero bakit nga ba? Bakit kami iniwan?

“Goodbye our dear visitors! Hope to see you again next time!” Isa nanaman memoryadong linya. Isang linyang nagpapahiwatig ng pagpapaalam. Tapos na sila sa kanilang mga obligasyon at tapos na rin kami sa aming mga pagpapanggap. Paalam. Pagwawakas. Lahit ng pagwawakas ay sinasabing may bagong simula. Ano ang aking bagong simula? Meron nga ba ako nito? Isa ng bang pagbabaho ang mangyayari? Isang bagong simula? O isa nanamang walang lamang pangako ng magandang kinabukasan? Mas okay pa na bumalik na lang sa dati ang lahat. Mas nararapat na din a lang sila dumating. Para saan pa? Sa isang araw ng kasiyahan? Isang araw ng pagpapaalala ng isang buhay na hindi hinangad sa mundong ito. Isang saglit na kasiyahan.

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I always wondered how a kid in an orphanage feels meeting different people who would visit them off on a mission. This is not really a criticism but merely an outlook of how I might feel if I am in their shoes. It’s not being ungrateful. On the contrary it’s being hopeful and at the same time being happy though the construction of the feelings may be obscure.

The Conversation of the Little Moon and the Boy

Boy: Hello Moon! Why are you so high above?

Moon: It’s so that I can light up everyone’s way below at night.

Boy: Why does it have to be at night?

Moon: Because the sun guides the day.

Boy: Why can’t you be the sun?

Moon: Because I want to be the moon.

Boy: Why do you want to be the moon?

Moon: So that I could shine at night.

Boy: Why do you want to shine at night?

Moon: Because the night is when I shine the brightest.

Boy: Does that mean that the sun does not shine the brightest at night?

Moon: No, because the sun does not rise at night!

Boy: Why can’t it rise at night?

Moon: Because then it would have to be a moon.

Boy: Is the moon the only thing that rises at night?

Moon: No, the stars shine with me.

Boy: Isn’t the sun a star?

Moon: Yes it is.

Boy: Then why can’t it shine at night like all stars do?

Moon: Because then it would have to be dark during the day. Dear boy I tell you this, I shine because of the sun for it gives me little light and without it I tell you that the night would surely be dark.

Boy: You know what moon?

Moon: What is it?

Boy: I like you better than the sun!

Moon: Really? But, why? Can’t you see how weak my light is?

Boy: Oh I see it clearly. Your light is weak but you are not. When I see you at night, it seems like I’m staring at a firefly struggling to survive. I like you more because despite the weakness, you try to shine with all might. Despite the starts that outshine you, you recognize the weakness of your shine and its dependence with the sun yet all you worry about is if you shine enough for me tonight. And you know the best part?

Moon: What is it my dear boy?

Boy: Your shine never falters to amaze me because I know that behind your beautiful shine, your scars silently lie.

The boy smiled to the moon and the moon smiled back and shone the brightest that night.

The moon always fascinates me which gave me the inspiration to create this short. I would usually compare myself to the moon because despite the struggles, I try to shine in my own way. It is the moon that gives me the courage when walking in a dark alley at night. And it is the moon that accompanies me when I cry myself to the skies alone at night.

Family. Have you ever felt like you have the best family that anyone can have in this world? Maybe I’m simply being optimistic like my zodiac sign tells me how a Pisces usually is but I have never felt that I would want any change in my family ever.

My family is composed of people with varied personalities. They have their own moments of insanity and moments of bullshits but all in all, they are perfect for me. Sometimes I’d ask myself how I put up with them. But then again it’s not really how but it’s the why. It’s because if I will be given the chance to choose my own family, I’ll stick with what I have now.

Fights are inevitable. This is also true when it comes to our family. Whether it is my mom and my sister or my aunt and my big brother, fights would never be avoided. The good thing is that despite all this when things are down, we don’t hold grudges and hang onto each other. That’s what I feel about them which made them very special. Maybe this is why my mom would always tell me that whatever happens to me, I’ll always be coming back to my family. It’s because of all the people in the world; my family will be the ones who will accept me fully and wholeheartedly.

My mom is very independent. She likes to do things her way yet at the same time she doesn’t want us to be away from each other. She’s like a mother bird protecting her nest and babies. Maybe that’s just how she shows her love as a mother. She usually shows her affection by tickling me or by hugging me when we sleep over at the living room. She’s open-minded, wise and smart and no other moms can compare to her. I call her my supermom.

 

My aunt Ning is a wise woman. She’d even throw me witty remarks over things that we’d usually joke about. She’s also open-minded and very opinionated with things that would involve our family. She’s really good with cooking to the point that I would even joke and say that she should stop cooking me delicious food because she ruins my diet. She’s very cheerful and would give you the aura that she’s been in the world for sometime now and deserves to be respected.

My big brother is pretty much short-tempered and protective. He’s the family genius and could be considered as a walking encyclopedia. His fuse runs short and would immediately be pissed over small things. But despite that whenever fights would erupt between me and my mom or me and my sister or whoever in the family, he’d always take it upon himself to sit us down and be the mediator during our talks. He’s the person who would calmly tell me that I’m wrong and that what I’m doing is already hurting our mom. And he’s the person whose opinion I’d always take into consideration.

My sister is very straightforward in everything she does. She’s usually picky with food and would rant when she doesn’t want to eat what’s prepared on the table. She’s very artistic with whatever she does and sees to it that the house is clean. I can consider her my best friend and the only one who could tell me that I’m being stupid and that I should get my act together again. When it comes to finance, she’s the person I’d always meet head-on especially when discussing home expenses. She usually has her moments but she can be the sweetest sister anyone could have when she wants to.

My little brother is very active and energetic. We even believe that he’s physically endowed because he’s just gifted when it comes to physical activities and sports. He can be annoying at times and could really blow my brother’s head of with his hard-headedness. But he’s also sweet and responsible with what he does. Often, he’d do some things that he would not usually do like sweeping the floor or cleaning the dishes. He’s 6 years old yet he’s sensitive to how we feel especially when his playmates would trample the house over.

The other three people who have been part of our family but are already up there with God are my dad, aunt Ying and grama. God fetched them to place them to more grand and peaceful place. I have no hard feelings towards God for doing so because it’s the cost of living- dying. And having this family is enough for me to put up with the pains that come along with dying. Maybe this is happiness and contentment combined.