Hope: Stupidity or Motivation?

Hope. It was a windy afternoon and we had nothing to do but to stay at Gammy’s place and stare at the river right in front of the apartment. While blowing on our cigars to let the time pass, a fisherman boat passed by.  Suddenly, Job asked me. “Why does this fisherman still try to fish in a river known to have no fishes anymore?” 

I answered. “Maybe that’s hope.”

Going back to that specific moment, I realized how stupid hope really is and how it can be so misleading.

Hope. Sometimes I find it so cliché to cling to something called hope. Hope gives people fake assurances. If you are lucky enough in hoping for something, then it may happen. But most of the time at the end of the day, people become disappointed with hoping for something that will never happen. This is the reason why I sometimes doubt how important hope can be as it is often described and portrayed in books and movies. Maybe hope is there to spice up the story and attract hopeless people. Maybe hope is emphasized to give people something to fantasize on and to believe to. Maybe hope is there to simply hope and nothing else.

Indeed I view hope as something as miserable as this sometimes, but there are also times when I can’t help but believe in it mainly because some people live with and in hope and that’s what’s keeping them moving forward. And one of these times is when Job and I went to the church to pray.

I am not a pious and religious worshipper. I can’t even consider myself to be a faithful catholic. But I have to admit that I attend masses because it makes me feel good and I also believe in God which may be the reason of the comfort that I often feel when I attend mass.

It was around 6 in the evening when we decided to visit the church. We went to Cathedral first and prayed there and proceeded to San Francisco Church to light up some candles. We bought our candles from a crippled guy. He handed us the candles and smiled as if problems are nonexistent in this world. After that, we lighted up our candles and saw a kid with filthy clothes staring at the burning candles. He was doing nothing, just staring. I may be selfish to say this but it was one of the moments when I realized how lucky I was. How can these people go on with their lives smiling when they know that the next morning, they may not be able to eat a proper breakfast or may not even eat anything for breakfast at all? After that, all that I can say to myself is that: “Maybe that’s hope.”

It’s too ironic for me to be claiming that hope is a ridiculous thing when every time I encounter moments such as these, I just can’t help but say “Maybe that’s hope”. Maybe the truth is that too much hope does become stupidity yet lack of hope leads to misery and wretchedness. And that’s why there are chosen moments of “maybe that’s really hope.”

Growing Old Together

Ang kasunod ng Bumpy Ride.

Growing Old Together

            Pagbaba ko ng tren pagkatapos ng bumpy ride eh sumakay ako ng traysikel. Bumaba ako sa Mcdo para maglakad sa harap ng Emall. Dun kasi ako magaantay ng padyak para sakyan pauwi. Habang naglalakad ako, may nakita akong dalawang matanda ng magka-holding hands. Napatigil ako. Literal na huminto ako para titigan sila. Buti na lang nakatalikod sila kundi baka napagkamalan na akong may sira.

            Napatigil ako hindi sa dahil nandidiri ako. Natigilan ako kasi kahit parati ko nang nababasa na sweet makakita ng mga matatandang naghoholding hands at sweet pa rin sa ngayon, iba pala pag ikaw na talaga ang nakakita. Nagovertake ako sa kanila para lang makita sila. Hindi naman silang ganun ka-sweet na parang nagyayakapan na. Kung tutuosin, parang magkadikit lang talaga ang mga kamay nila, magkahawak lang ng mahinay. Pero kung titingnan mo ang mga mukha nila, satisfied sila. Makikita mo na masaya silang dalawa at kontento sila. Napuno ako bigla ng inggit. Tatanda rin kaya ako ng may kasama na ganun? Hindi naman kasi madali maghanap ng taong makakasama at ngayon alam ko naman na hindi pa ako handa at hindi pa rin naman ako naghahanap ng ganun. Ngunit ang problema, iniisip ko pa lang ang posibilidad na tumanda kasama ang isang tao, natatakot na ako.

            Panu mo ba malalaman kung siya na talaga? Panu ka makakahanap ng isang tao na hindi ka bibitawan hanggang sa huli? Panu ka makakasiguro na hindi ka lang niya lolokohin? Ang daming katanungan at kahit isa wala akong maisagot. Siguro swerte lang sila kasi nahanap nila ang isa’t isa. Parang ang mama at papa ko. Swerte kasi mahal nila ang isa’t isa. Pero nung naisip ko yun, ang biglang pumasok sa isip ko ay ang sitwasyon ni mama. Oo nga’t mahal niya si papa at mahal siya nito pero iniwan rin naman siya sa hindi inaasahang sitwasyon at sa hindi malabanan na kalaban- Aneurysm. Ayoko kasi na magmahal ng katulad ng mama ko at maiiwan rin naman sa huli. Bakit pa kailangan maghanap ng makakasama habang buhay na kung at the end of the day, kung mamamatay ka ay mag-isa ka rin naman lang at kung mamamatay yun mahal mo ay parang namatay ka na rin. Dobleng kamatayan lang ang mararanasan at ayaw kong maranasan yun.  

            Bakit ganun? Bakit kailangan na magkaroon ng pwedeng makasama pero mawawala rin? Bakit ang saya-saya nung dalawang matanda na nakita ko kahit alam nila na palapit na ang oras na maghihiwalay rin naman sila? Hindi ko maintindihan. At kahit alam ko na may kasagutan ako sa mga tanong ko, hindi ko kayang sabihin. Hindi rin naman kasi ako naniniwala sa mga sagot na nasa isip ko. Kaya anu pa ba ang sense kung sasagot ako?

The Bumpy Ride

Susubukan kong magtagalog for the sake of speaking tagalog na rin and para sa aking kaibigan na si Istrayps. Ingles na rin naman ako ng Ingles from the very start ng blog ko. Panahon na rin naman siguro ng pagbabago.

The Bumpy Ride

            Nung nakaraang Sabado ng hapon, pumunta ako sa Libmanan para lumanghap ng sariwang hangin at para na rin lumayo sa mga nagpapabigat sa akin. Ang byahe papunta dun ay usual lang. Walang kung anu mang nangyari na tumatak sa isip ko. Ngunit nung pauwi na ako ng sumunod na umaga, dun na ako nakarealize ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi ko naman talaga naiisip.

            Nagsimula ang lahat ng tinanong ko ang sarili ko “Bakit ba tuluyan kong binabaon ang sarili ko pailalim?” Sa totoo lang, ang hindi alam ng mga tao (pamilya at kaibigan ko), napakahina ko ngayon. Sinusubukan ko maging matatag para sa kanila. Sinusubukan kong ngumiti para na rin hindi na makadagdag pa sa problema. Ako rin ang nagmomotivate at parating positibo sa lahat ng bagay. Pero pag mag-isa na lang ako, nawawala lahat ng lakas at pagkapositibo ko. Sino nga naman ang kailangan ko pang i-motivate pag magisa na lang ako? Nakakapagod na rin naman. Since si Manoy Jess na rin lang naman ang kasama ko pag mag-isa ako, hindi ko na kailangan umarte na malakas ako at walang problema. Hindi ko na kailangan maging pillar ng pamilya at maging isang barkadang “happy-go-lucky”. Hindi ko na rin naman kailangan pang magkunwari kung Siya lang ang kasama ko.

           

Bakit ko nasabing binabaon ko ang sarili ko? Kasi instead na mabawasan ang mga problema ko, nadadagdagan. Siguro kasi tinatawanan ko na lang ang lahat at wala naman talaga akong ginagawa para masolusyunan lahat ng mga problema. Sa tuwing sinusubukan kong humakbang ng isang step, hinihila ko parati ang sarili ko ng dalawang hakbang pabalik. Nakakapagod. Pero ako rin naman ang may kasalanan ng lahat at kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Panu ko sisimulan ang pagbabago? Panu ko gagapang paabante kung sa tuwing nariyan ang pamilya ko ay pilit akong tumatayo para lang hindi sila mawalan ng pag-asa. Ang dami kong iniisip. Siguro kasi pauwi nanaman ako sa Naga. Kailangan nanaman harapin ang mga problema at umarteng malakas sa harap nila. Siguro kasi paalis na ako sa safe-haven ko. Yun tipong wala akong iniisip kundi ang gumising kinabukasan para lumanghap ng sariwang hangin. Pabalik na ako sa totoong mundo ko.

            On the way, bigla na lang naging bumpy ang byahe. Literal na tumatalon ang tren at and mga taong nakasakay dito. Kahit napaka-awkward, nagenjoy ako. Bumalik ako sa pagkabata nung mga panahon na kahit kalong ako ng papa ko sa jeep at umuuga yung jeep ay nageenjoy ako. Ang saya, parang nawala ang mga negatibong bagay na naiisip ko. Habang tumatalon yun tren ay tumingin ako sa mga taong kaharap at katabi ko. Hindi lang pala ako yung nageenjoy. Sila rin pala. At sa mga oras na yun, naisip ko. Bakit kahit napaka-awkward tumalon ay nageenjoy ang lahat? Bakit kahit nahihirapan silang kumapit sa mga upuan nila ay parang ang saya pa rin nila? Naisip ko, parang buhay rin nga lang. Along the way, ang daming bumpy at rough road na dadaanan. Kahit hindi smooth ay masaya pa rin yun buhay. Yun tipong nakakachallenge kung panu ka kakapit sa silya mo at kung panu ka sasabay sa pag-uga sa buong byahe ng buhay. Hindi naman kasi talaga patag parati ang dadaanan. And daming mga small bumps, rough road at kung anu-ano pang dadaanan na mapapakapit ka sa iyong upuan.

            Pagkatapos ko yun maisip, tinanong ko ang sarili ko. “Bakit nga ba hindi ko ienjoy ang sariling byahe ng buhay ko?” Bat ba kailangan kong maging malakas parati? Bat ba kailangan kong magkunwari? Kung maiinis ba ako sa pag-uga sa biyahe na to, anu ba mapapala ko? Bat kailangan kong pilitin ang sarili ko na huwag tumalon kasabay ng tren kung kaya ko naman itong sabayan? Hindi naman talaga kasi kailangan. Pinahihirapan ko lang ang sarili ko. Pagkatapos ng lahat saka ko lang naisip na tama na. Hindi ko kailangan ang mga iyon. Sapat na. Sasabay na lang ako sa bawat pag-uga ng tren at magiging masaya sa bawat pagtalon sa buong byahe. Kasi kahit bumpy man and ride, makararating pa rin naman ako sa pupuntahan ko.

The Original Heirloom Cups

Heirloom

The day started the same way my every day of my life starts. I’d wake up, wash my face and go out of my room to say good morning to everyone. It was a windy/rainy day. It was a refreshing day especially in a tropical country like the Philippines. But what made this day special is not the windy and refreshing weather that greeted me when I woke up. What made it special is the fact that my mom and I sat down and shared some stories with a cup of coffee. It started out with simple stories of how my grama took care of her things so well that until now her precious cups which are century old are still intact and could still serve their purpose. She even described how she talked my grama into giving her the precious cups mainly because she’s the only daughter who married from the family. It was a refreshing time for the both of us. But what really sealed the deal of happiness for this day is the fact that after telling her story, she told me:

“You’ll be the one to keep those cups so you better take care of them.”

I was speechless at first. It was the way she said it that makes it seem like a simple thing when actually it was something that overwhelmed me. Yes, I didn’t show how happy I was when she said that but deep inside, I was brimming with pride. Hey, she said that they were her favorite cups and that she did convinced grama to give them to her. She even told me that if grama would not give them, she’d probably sneak them out of the kitchen closet. This means that she treasures the cups so much. And this also means that I’ll be taking care of something that she treasures that much.

I feel important and loved. I know that I love my mom as much but having those cups in my possession would forever bring me pride and love. I’d be taking care of the century old cups and I hope to also pass them down to the next generation in the family. It felt like something important like a family heirloom was just passed down to me. I can never be thankful enough and I can even still feel the happiness from having those cups- maybe not now but in the future.

I don't want to be alone.

I’m scared. I’m scared of the many responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I’m feeling like I am Raju from the 3 idiots with how I am acting. Fear is seeping through me making me feel immobilize. Uncertainties are coming in and out of my mind. Helplessness is making itself known in my life.

It’s not like I’m a pessimistic person. On the contrary, I’m brimming with positivity that sometimes I feel like I’m already faking it. Maybe that’s the big disadvantage of being optimistic. When the time comes that all the suppression of the negative auras and vibes explodes, optimistic people will simply be rendered immobilized and powerless. When that one moment when an optimistic person puts his guard down and welcome the negative thoughts it is sure that more damages will be made than when having those negative thoughts once in a while.

I’ve always been optimistic. Well, I try to always be one despite any situation. But maybe I also have the right to be scared for all the negative things that will happen. Maybe it’s not a bad thing to feel powerless and helpless. Maybe it’s free to be uncertain for some things and be doubtful of some circumstances. Maybe it’s okay to be pessimistic to balance out everything.

Dear Claire,

What and if are two words as non frightening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they have the power to wound you for the rest of your life. What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like.  Love to live love one’s for. Love to cross the oceans for. But I’d like to believe that if I ever were to feel it that I’d have the courage to seize it.

And Claire, if you didn’t. I hope one day that you will.

All my Love,

Juliet

(Some of the words may be wrong as I only listened to it and wrote it as how I’ve heard it)

--------

What ifs. Maybe this is what makes “Letters to Juliet” a meaningful movie for me. I know that it was a cliché movie since the happy ending was so expected. But what made it perfect is the fact that it touches the person’s heart who get to watch the movie. It may not be filled with twists that make you hold onto your seat but it makes your heart feel happiness in a simple and amazing way.

Above is the letter send by Sophie to Claire in response to her 50-year old letter in Verona which Sophie found. The construction of the letter is very touching. It does not only limit to love but also with every other aspirations that we have in our lives. This is what makes it really great.

I admit that I’m so into chick flicks like this. But honestly, it’s not a bad thing. In fact, though some may think that these chick flicks create illusions for women, for me, it makes me believe that we have our own stories to tell.

Devotion. Oftentimes, I’d ask myself what is it with faith that simply makes people continue to support and recognize icons like that of the Divino Rostro and Our Lady of Peñafrancia here in Bicol. Maybe some follow them blindly because or rumored miracles that they are capable of doing. On the other hand, maybe it’s because of the traditions and the passed down teachings that every generation of adults have passed down to their children when it comes to the faith that should be given to the said icons.

It is a different thing however for me. It’s not really what my mom told me about these icons nor is it the stories of miracles from these icons which make me respect and appreciate these icons. It is the feeling that they elicit from me. It is the overwhelming feeling that simply by watching the Traslacion Procession or the Fluvial Procession, I feel safe and protected. It is the happiness that I feel by looking at the icons themselves.

I may be a more logical person in a sense that I don’t really go for miracles unless I see them myself. But I am a person who knows how important emotions and feelings are. Why do I feel overwhelmed with these icons? Why do I feel safe or happy? It’s not something that logic and science can explain. Maybe, it doesn’t need any scientific experiment just to prove their existence of the worth of these icons. I believe that it is just as it is. That’s devotion.


(Photographed by Carlo Martinez Aspe)

Reminiscing

Found my old diary. It was overwhelming reading my thoughts again. And because of it, I ended up staring...

at my pics, 




















letters and 

















































other documents...












which reminded me of the past. :)

Strength. People tell me that I’m strong. My friends tell me that I can overcome any problem that comes my way. My family depends on me thinking about the same thing as my friends. Maybe it can never be denied that I’m strong in one way or another. I try to be there for my friends despite everything. I try to support my family in every aspect that I can despite the difficulty. But is this strength? Why do I feel doubtful? Why am I scared? Maybe it’s simply because I am not always strong. And with those times that I am weak, no one’s there to see the strong side of me vanish. It may be because I’m scared that people would lack compassion during these times when I am weak simply because they think that I am always strong.

A Moment of Sanity

Looking at his picture made my heart skip a beat. No, I will not let this happen. I would never act on it and I would never try to do something to change what we have now- this is what I keep telling myself. I can’t afford to lose him. Damn I miss him and I long to be with him but I can’t. I can’t let myself jeopardize what we have and what we took care of for almost nine year. No. I’d never let myself ruin the best friendship I could ever have and the best relationship that could exist between both of us.

I rejected him in the past. I did. I tried to neglect the tugging in my heart and I succeed. Now, the tugging is back again. It’s not as if I wanted to do this. All I wanted is to be with him and be his friend. But why am I not satisfied? Why am I doubtful and why am I crave for more? Even writing this blog makes my heart beat faster than normal. It is not because of what he is now; I know that I’ve always admired him for what he is. I’m stupid and I know it. The distance made me realize how important he is to me. Maybe like Deanne, I’m just over-thinking things but why does it seems like I do not believe that theory? Since I am feeling this pain, I guess it really is real. I love him and I can’t deny it any longer. 

“Distance makes the love grow fonder.”

A cliche. It’s surprising how this simply statement means with how I really feel right now. In the past, I would usually tell my friends that long-distance relationship is no-no for me. Maybe primarily because I believe that the affection and love will be lost across the distance and time. That’s what I keep telling myself until I finally felt otherwise.

We’re not together. We were never together romantically for he was my best friend. From the very start, we both know that we will never cross the line of being best friends. That’s impossible and that’s the promise both of us made in the past. He held to that promise till the very end and I did the same. But how can I still hold on to that promise when I feel like forgetting it in the first place?

Yes, I fell in love with him. I’ve loved him for years now and I know that it’ll never work out- or not. Maybe I just assume that it’ll never work and will in the end destroy the both of us. This is why I’m still holding on to that promise desperately. I’m hanging onto it as if it’s a part of my existence, as if it’s the only thread that connects the both of us.

Now that he’s miles away, the longing intensified. Distance was and will never really be the reason for one’s love to diminish. Maybe distance can make one forget but it’ll never make love vanish. It’s existing and currently, it’s making me feel miserable. He’s so far away yet I yearn to be with him everyday, to laugh with his jokes and tease him about something trivial. I long to be where he is now and hopefully, he feels the same way.

I may feel this way but I know deep inside that things will never work out anyway. He’s my best friend and that he’ll forever be. He’s the one I love, and that I’ll forever secretly bury. 

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”- James Joyce

Discovery. If there is one thing that I am sure of myself, it is that I am a very curious person. I experiment and try out things for the main objective of knowing and discovering something out of it. And through my discoveries, I know that there were many bad things that came with it. There were many decisions which I regret ever making. There were situations that I want to forget. Along with discovery comes the heavy price of a pack of mistakes and errors.

Am I simply rationalizing my mistakes in the effort of saving my face from further disgrace? Maybe, I ought to consider that. But in the long run, it seems that I gained more from my mistakes in my discoveries. I may regret some things once in a while but it sure as well made me better and wise in everything that I do now. 

In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't; everything it would be wouldn't; and everything it wasn't, was.

Sprinkles of Life's Best Offers

Contentment. People often say that in this world, contentment is something so absurd and hard to find. Even with a person who has everything there is to ask for, contentment still seems to not pay any heed to that person. I kind of thought that when I experience contentment, it will be when I am already sleeping on gold with my own stable job and family. What I didn’t expect however is that contentment will come knocking on my door when my family is at the lowest portion of our lives together. I experienced contentment when my aunt is in the hospital, when I was unable to attend school, when my mom is buried in debt threatened to be put in prison and when all we have is together. I never thought it would come and I was astounded when it did.

It was a windy Tuesday morning on my way to the hospital with my sister to visit my aunt and buy her medicines when I felt contentment. It was not a life-changing experience to be honest. It was a mere 10-second phenomenon of feeling totally happy of what I have at the very moment. It was the sweetest feeling I ever felt. And ironically, despite all the struggles that my family and I are experiencing, it seems like everything else doesn’t matter. It was a feeling of total gratefulness over the things and the people I truly treasure at that very moment. It was like winning the lottery and feeling like I don’t have to work my ass out. It was like I am the richest person in the world and I don’t have any problem to face. But then the 10 seconds ended, and everything was back to what it really is- the despicable and desperate situation that we are currently in.

With what happened, I wondered if contentment is made of tiny little glimpses of satisfaction that people have in different portions in their lives. I believe that it does not need for you to be filthy rich or to have the perfect family for you to feel contented. In my case, my first little glimpse is in the midst of many struggles. But the real cause of satisfaction which gave birth to that 10-second phenomenon is the fact that I have my family with me all through the struggles. We may be shouldering something heavy yet the fact that many shoulders are helping each other to carry that burden and that I am not alone to do that task made me happier and more contented than a billionaire.

So is there such thing as happily ever after or life of contentment after struggles? I don’t think so. I believe that contentment comes in little packages and are scattered through the different parts of our lives. It’s neither a forever thing nor a long-lasting feeling. It’s a short time phenomenon making you feel appreciative of what you currently have. I guess that actually is the reason why contentment is never for the extremes like riches or power. I think it’s because contentment really comes from being grateful and satisfied with what you have regardless of how small or abundant that might be in the point of view of other people. The fact remains that you are happy and contented with it and that’s what you are so grateful for and gives birth to contentment.

Saglit na Kasiyahan

Labinganim- yan na ang edad ko at yan na rin ang bilang ng mga taon na nandito ako sa bahay ampunan na ito. Minsan, napapagalitan. Minsan naman, pinupuri. Pareho lang naman bawat araw. Pare-pareho lang pati na rin ang pagdating ng mga bisita.

May mga bisita nanaman. “Good morning our dear visitors! It’s nice to see you today.” Walang hiya naman oh! Mas gusto ko pa na pare-pareho na lang araw-araw. At pare-pareho rin lang ang sinasabi pag may dumadating na bisita. Hindi ba pwedeng “Yow! Musta na?” o kaya naman ay “How do you do?” Hindi yun puro na lang ganon. Nakakapagod na rin naman kasi. Parang wala nang nagbago.

Ngingiti ang mga bisita.na parang ang saya-saya nila. Pero ang totoo ay napipilitan sila dahil ito as isang rekwayrment o kaya naman ay para makapagpabango ng pangalan. Mga ngiti. Ngiting landakang ipinapakita nila. Sana ay taos sa puso kahit man lang ang mga ngiti nila. Kahit wag na ang pagtulong. Kahit ngiti na lang.

Iniabot sa akin ang isang piraso ng tinapay at isang baso ng juice. Masarap ng naman. Isa nanaman lang araw ng parang “try me” promo sa isang bakery sa kanto. Nakakabusog nga naman. Pero hanggang kelan to? Bukas? Mamayang gabi? Pakatapos ng dalawang oras? Saglit na pantawid gutom. Saglit na patikim ng kasarapan na bukas ay maaaring wala na. Bukas may maipatitikim pa kaya sila sa akin?

Pinapatayo kami at maglalaro daw. Bagay pa ba ang mga ganitong bagay sa akin? Susmaryosep naman! Dise sais na ako. Pero anu bang ba ang magagawa ko kundi ang pagbigyan sila. Ito ba ang kapalit ng mga tinapay na inabot nila sa akin kanina?

Sasayaw. Bwisit! Mawawala na yata ang aking dignidad. Para saan ba ang pagsayaw na ito? Para pasayahin ang mga pesteng bisitang ito? O para kahit konting minuto ay makalimutan namin ang lungkot? Ang lungkot at pighati ng pagpapabaya at pag-iwan. Sa bawat indak ng katawan, hampas ng mga kamay at sipa ng mga paa, ano nga ba ang gusto naming patunayan? Na ang mga ulila ay may nagagawa rin naman pala kahit konti? Nakakasayaw kami. Hindi kami mga walang kwentang bata. Pero bakit nga ba? Bakit kami iniwan?

“Goodbye our dear visitors! Hope to see you again next time!” Isa nanaman memoryadong linya. Isang linyang nagpapahiwatig ng pagpapaalam. Tapos na sila sa kanilang mga obligasyon at tapos na rin kami sa aming mga pagpapanggap. Paalam. Pagwawakas. Lahit ng pagwawakas ay sinasabing may bagong simula. Ano ang aking bagong simula? Meron nga ba ako nito? Isa ng bang pagbabaho ang mangyayari? Isang bagong simula? O isa nanamang walang lamang pangako ng magandang kinabukasan? Mas okay pa na bumalik na lang sa dati ang lahat. Mas nararapat na din a lang sila dumating. Para saan pa? Sa isang araw ng kasiyahan? Isang araw ng pagpapaalala ng isang buhay na hindi hinangad sa mundong ito. Isang saglit na kasiyahan.

------------------------------------

I always wondered how a kid in an orphanage feels meeting different people who would visit them off on a mission. This is not really a criticism but merely an outlook of how I might feel if I am in their shoes. It’s not being ungrateful. On the contrary it’s being hopeful and at the same time being happy though the construction of the feelings may be obscure.

The Conversation of the Little Moon and the Boy

Boy: Hello Moon! Why are you so high above?

Moon: It’s so that I can light up everyone’s way below at night.

Boy: Why does it have to be at night?

Moon: Because the sun guides the day.

Boy: Why can’t you be the sun?

Moon: Because I want to be the moon.

Boy: Why do you want to be the moon?

Moon: So that I could shine at night.

Boy: Why do you want to shine at night?

Moon: Because the night is when I shine the brightest.

Boy: Does that mean that the sun does not shine the brightest at night?

Moon: No, because the sun does not rise at night!

Boy: Why can’t it rise at night?

Moon: Because then it would have to be a moon.

Boy: Is the moon the only thing that rises at night?

Moon: No, the stars shine with me.

Boy: Isn’t the sun a star?

Moon: Yes it is.

Boy: Then why can’t it shine at night like all stars do?

Moon: Because then it would have to be dark during the day. Dear boy I tell you this, I shine because of the sun for it gives me little light and without it I tell you that the night would surely be dark.

Boy: You know what moon?

Moon: What is it?

Boy: I like you better than the sun!

Moon: Really? But, why? Can’t you see how weak my light is?

Boy: Oh I see it clearly. Your light is weak but you are not. When I see you at night, it seems like I’m staring at a firefly struggling to survive. I like you more because despite the weakness, you try to shine with all might. Despite the starts that outshine you, you recognize the weakness of your shine and its dependence with the sun yet all you worry about is if you shine enough for me tonight. And you know the best part?

Moon: What is it my dear boy?

Boy: Your shine never falters to amaze me because I know that behind your beautiful shine, your scars silently lie.

The boy smiled to the moon and the moon smiled back and shone the brightest that night.

The moon always fascinates me which gave me the inspiration to create this short. I would usually compare myself to the moon because despite the struggles, I try to shine in my own way. It is the moon that gives me the courage when walking in a dark alley at night. And it is the moon that accompanies me when I cry myself to the skies alone at night.

Family. Have you ever felt like you have the best family that anyone can have in this world? Maybe I’m simply being optimistic like my zodiac sign tells me how a Pisces usually is but I have never felt that I would want any change in my family ever.

My family is composed of people with varied personalities. They have their own moments of insanity and moments of bullshits but all in all, they are perfect for me. Sometimes I’d ask myself how I put up with them. But then again it’s not really how but it’s the why. It’s because if I will be given the chance to choose my own family, I’ll stick with what I have now.

Fights are inevitable. This is also true when it comes to our family. Whether it is my mom and my sister or my aunt and my big brother, fights would never be avoided. The good thing is that despite all this when things are down, we don’t hold grudges and hang onto each other. That’s what I feel about them which made them very special. Maybe this is why my mom would always tell me that whatever happens to me, I’ll always be coming back to my family. It’s because of all the people in the world; my family will be the ones who will accept me fully and wholeheartedly.

My mom is very independent. She likes to do things her way yet at the same time she doesn’t want us to be away from each other. She’s like a mother bird protecting her nest and babies. Maybe that’s just how she shows her love as a mother. She usually shows her affection by tickling me or by hugging me when we sleep over at the living room. She’s open-minded, wise and smart and no other moms can compare to her. I call her my supermom.

 

My aunt Ning is a wise woman. She’d even throw me witty remarks over things that we’d usually joke about. She’s also open-minded and very opinionated with things that would involve our family. She’s really good with cooking to the point that I would even joke and say that she should stop cooking me delicious food because she ruins my diet. She’s very cheerful and would give you the aura that she’s been in the world for sometime now and deserves to be respected.

My big brother is pretty much short-tempered and protective. He’s the family genius and could be considered as a walking encyclopedia. His fuse runs short and would immediately be pissed over small things. But despite that whenever fights would erupt between me and my mom or me and my sister or whoever in the family, he’d always take it upon himself to sit us down and be the mediator during our talks. He’s the person who would calmly tell me that I’m wrong and that what I’m doing is already hurting our mom. And he’s the person whose opinion I’d always take into consideration.

My sister is very straightforward in everything she does. She’s usually picky with food and would rant when she doesn’t want to eat what’s prepared on the table. She’s very artistic with whatever she does and sees to it that the house is clean. I can consider her my best friend and the only one who could tell me that I’m being stupid and that I should get my act together again. When it comes to finance, she’s the person I’d always meet head-on especially when discussing home expenses. She usually has her moments but she can be the sweetest sister anyone could have when she wants to.

My little brother is very active and energetic. We even believe that he’s physically endowed because he’s just gifted when it comes to physical activities and sports. He can be annoying at times and could really blow my brother’s head of with his hard-headedness. But he’s also sweet and responsible with what he does. Often, he’d do some things that he would not usually do like sweeping the floor or cleaning the dishes. He’s 6 years old yet he’s sensitive to how we feel especially when his playmates would trample the house over.

The other three people who have been part of our family but are already up there with God are my dad, aunt Ying and grama. God fetched them to place them to more grand and peaceful place. I have no hard feelings towards God for doing so because it’s the cost of living- dying. And having this family is enough for me to put up with the pains that come along with dying. Maybe this is happiness and contentment combined.