Looking at his picture made my heart skip a beat. No, I will not let this happen. I would never act on it and I would never try to do something to change what we have now- this is what I keep telling myself. I can’t afford to lose him. Damn I miss him and I long to be with him but I can’t. I can’t let myself jeopardize what we have and what we took care of for almost nine year. No. I’d never let myself ruin the best friendship I could ever have and the best relationship that could exist between both of us.
I rejected him in the past. I did. I tried to neglect the tugging in my heart and I succeed. Now, the tugging is back again. It’s not as if I wanted to do this. All I wanted is to be with him and be his friend. But why am I not satisfied? Why am I doubtful and why am I crave for more? Even writing this blog makes my heart beat faster than normal. It is not because of what he is now; I know that I’ve always admired him for what he is. I’m stupid and I know it. The distance made me realize how important he is to me. Maybe like Deanne, I’m just over-thinking things but why does it seems like I do not believe that theory? Since I am feeling this pain, I guess it really is real. I love him and I can’t deny it any longer.
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